Sunday, July 8, 2007
5:19 PM
Open Letters To My Machinery
To The "Fan" In The Main Bathroom: Listen, you are useless. Of all the things that could break and stop working around the house, how come you still come on when I turn on the lights? Not only do you not have a separate switch to engage or disengage you, but you're also LOUD and useless. The mirrors still fog up while I'm in a hot shower, the smell doesn't politely fade from the room while you are on after someone has done a #2. All you do is blow REALLY cold air on me when I'm sitting on the loo.
You are annoying. Can you stop working already?
To The Old Dryer: Why must I run all my clothes on two cycles before you fully dry my laundry?
To Fridge: Thanks for working...you're a cold mo-fo....just how I like 'em!
To This Computer: Get another nasty virus and I'm gonna rip your cords out.....
People...apparently I'm bored today....at least ya got a semi-entertaining blog out of me.
*smiles and bows*
Said By Nicole
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
9:03 PM
$10 Blow Jobs????
The universe really is unfolding as it should. We didn't need to actually go as far as reformatting to get rid of this nasty virus. All we had to do was do a System Restore! I say, "we", as if I had anything to do with fixing the computer. Carlos actually did all the planning, thinking, and executing of genius idea. I only sat back and agreed with him while thinking how great it would be to tell the world how WE fixed the computer.
Another thing....I am bored outta of mind. Living in the Orlando area does NOT mean residents have free or cheap access to Disney World, Universal Studios, or Sea World. Noooooo. That just means we get a couple dollars off a ticket but the tickets are so pricey, you might as well save for something really good like a week in Las Vegas or a 3-day cruise to the islands.
Minnie Mouse needs to boost the prices at her Brothel so the rest of us don't have to pay Mickey in hundred dollar bills just for a ONE DAY pass to their kingdom. Yeah you didn't think I knew about Minnie and her side project....Madame Minnie is what they call her on the streets.
But whatev....I'll just sit here staring at Disney World commercials all summer.....*sigh*
Said By Nicole
Monday, July 2, 2007
1:16 PM
Survival Of The Soberist....
I survived the night club experience. Yes I was surrounded by gorgeous (and some not so gorgeous) 20-something-year-olds in skimpy outfits. Yes I was groped by no less than 4 drunk strange guys. (They each literally just walked up to me and started groping me like I was some lucky statue). Of course this happened throughout the night, not all at once.
But it was nice getting out of the house. The dance floor was so packed it was really hard to dance without elbowing the person next to me or bumping into the poor person behind me. No one got mad since it was impossible to not have bodily contact with complete strangers in that club.
After being there for about an hr and a half, we wiggled our selves outside and decided to walk past the other clubs to see which ones were still open and not charging cover. Granted, by this time it was 2am and most clubs were closing down. So we headed back to the car and went home.
I swear I am never going out without Carlos. None of those guys would have "felt me up" had I been with my man. Who's gonna mess with my intimidating looking man? Though, he is sexy as hell so it wouldn't surprise me if I had to fight some hoochies off him while he's fighting guys off me. LOL ohhhh yeah I'm still swinging from this love chandelier!
The computer survived the weekend only because we haven't had a chance to reformat yet. We plan to do that on Thursday when there is time.
On other news, if you haven't been reading my pregnancy blog....I finally got Medicaid!!! Now I'm waiting for this OB-GYN's office to open so that I can make an appointment. I'm befuddled....how can an OB-GYN not open until AFTER 1pm on a Monday??? She acts like she owns a damned night club.....[insert "BOO YA!!!" here]
Said By Nicole
Friday, June 29, 2007
1:39 PM
Who Is Gonna Die The Most Miserable Death?
So it seems my computer has been attacked and almost conquered by a nasty malware or whatever it's called. Either way it is sooooo annoying. Think of the most annoying person in the world knocking on your door every five minutes to sell you various things from antivirus software (real cute, virus makers) to bikinis....or maybe it wasn't the bikini they were selling.....
Now after running adware and antivirus and malware programs to rid the computer of these evil and hair-pulling pop ups, we're forced to take another action....reformatting. *GASP!* I know...that's like one step from just throwing the damned computer out of a moving vehicle.
On to other less technical news....I'm going to attempt to go out tonight with a couple of friends and a BUNCH of their friends who I've never met. Let's put it this way....it's a 21st birthday bash at a nightclub. I am one month from turning 30, am as pregnant as I can get, and I really don't think hanging out with skinny, tanned, gorgeous 21 year old girls is gonna make me feel any better.
At least they can get shit-faced drunk while shaking their cute, tight asses to the music. I'm gonna be sober, bored, and jealous the whole time.
I'm gonna try to have fun though. *sigh*
BTW, the youngsters are friends of friends. I don't "hang out" with any of them but my dear friend invited me and she REALLY wants me to go with her and her husband. She is around my age and she barely drinks so hopefully I'll have someone to attach myself to all night.
By Monday we'll see if the computer has survived the reformatting and if I have survived the night on the town with a bunch of wasted youngsters. Stay Tuned!!
Said By Nicole
Thursday, June 28, 2007
3:31 PM
PILLOWS BEWARE....SERIAL ABUSER ON THE LOOSE!!!
Stress is so much that sometimes I feel like I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I'm not really one to whine and moan in my blogs...okay...I just totally lied there. BUT, there has to be better ways to deal with stress besides threatening to feed myself to the nearest alligator. That joke really works well here in Florida...kinda bombed in other places I've lived (Kansas, New Jersey, England, ect).
Telling me to take a warm bath just leads me to think of ways to drown myself. And yes, I realize no one has actually succeeded in drowning themselves in a bathtub without the help of another person or medications (sleeping pills).
Advising me to take deep breaths and release them slowly brings to mind ideas of maybe holding my breath so long that I pass out just to be able to "sleep" through the stress and frustrations. Again, that wouldn't be smart if I'm standing up while doing this since I'm sure my head would crack on the edge of my desk or God Forbid, the tiled kitchen.
Those of you who feel I really need a vacation to get away from it all...ummm...have you seen my checking account?? Well in case you haven't had a chance to hack into it yet...I have just enough money for bills and no more. Explaining to my landlord and the electricity company that my sanity is more important than the money I owe them probably won't go over too well. At that point, a permanent trip to Mexico or Canada once they threaten to send Luigi the Knee Breaker to my home for owing them money, would be more along the lines of the only vacation I can get at this time.
So what's left....I could buy a stress ball and squeeze the hell out of it until my fingers bleed, but that would only help for cruical moments. Besides, I've lost so many of those over the years, it's more stress trying to find the damned thing everyday.
My tried and true plan of burying my head into a pillow and screaming until my vocal cords get hoarse isn't realistic when I have a 6 year old living here who already thinks I'm off my rocker. Don't want the poor kid to have nightmares of seeing me screaming bloody murder into a poor, innocent pillow.
The same goes for my favorite stress-buster of punching same pillow between bouts of screaming into it. I swear, if there was a law against abusing a pillow, I would be getting arrested every few weeks. I bet my mug shot would look pretty scary too. Hair all sticking out to and fro, dried tears streaking my cheeks, lips puffing from burying my face hard into the pillow, fists pink from all the punching, and worse yet, the anger in my face because once again that damned pillow made it to the phone before I was able to pull it back for more beatings.
Either way, abusing my pillow is not something I can do now either. Not that I'm afraid of being arrested for domestic pillow violence.....
Guess that leaves me with one last thing....bitching, moaning, complaining, and ranting on this blog. If I can't do it here...where can I? *eyes my cell phone*
Pregnancy hormones, getting used to being a new step-mom, getting used to living in a new place with new friends and new people, stress from work (what's new?), going thru a divorce, missing the SHIT out of my pets I had to leave with the EX, and other smaller but just as stressful day to day issues that everyone goes thru...this is a tough time for me.
But....it could be worse I suppose. I could be Paris Hilton *GASP*....poor girl. Must be tough being a Millionaire, skinny, and getting paid tons of money for her jail-time story. *faint*
Okay kiddos....let mommy think of new ways to abuse furniture in order to release some stress. At least until I find the Ultimate Stress Ball with a "press-button-to-find-under-the-couch" feature.
Go play with crazy strangers in their darkly tinted vans, kids....mommy loves ya.
Said By Nicole
Sunday, June 24, 2007
4:14 PM
The Technology God Has Struck Again!!
I love seeing the masses fight, claw, sign over their houses, and even agree to give up their firstborns for new toys and technology every year. These things usually happens around the holidays, but every now and then, you can find this same insanity other times of the year...
Like now...with the pending release of the iPhone.Images of normally "sane" adults fighting over the newest brand named item comes to mind when I think of this iPhone.
This image is not of iPhone nuts, but of some Christmas-time shoppers from years ago. What I find equally as humorous is how these same customers will complain non-stop about glitches once they get their blood-stained item home. "Awww man. This software on this thing is glitched!!!" This is why I sit back and wait for the "guinea pigs" to discover how crappy version 1.0 is before I shell out LESS money on the newer, more updated, glitch-free 2.0 version a year or so later. In the meantime...please....claw each others' eyeballs out for something new and shiny. I'll just sit here and watch in absolute glee and excitement. *My bet's on the 6'1" 350 pound woman standing in the back row*
Said By Nicole
all rights reserved © illusionskeeper
Me
One Love
Be Yourself, Love Yourself
Links
Archives
